Straighten Up and Fly Right

It is really hard to convince myself to have a higher self esteem. I have had this inner conflict ever since I could remember. I never seemed good enough. I have lost relationships, friendships, and even just completely touch with reality because of this.

However, I have come to a conclusion: who gives a fuck. And yes, I say the word "fuck" because it is my nature to have a trucker's mouth. And yes, I am fully aware that having an over abundance of swear words in my vocabulary has the tendency to make me sound like an uneducated teenie bopper. Who the hell set the standards for the definition of the word intelligence? A completely conceited person, that's who. Someone who thought they were the juggernaut of all humans, and deemed it necessary to make people feel beneath them if they weren't scholars like them.

Well, FUCK that! Who cares if I don't attend an ivy league school? Who cares if my major doesn't consist of millions of dollars from being an entrepreneur of a company that nobody really cares about? Why is success and intelligence emphasized on money? I have met scholarly people who prefer to write, or prefer to become artists. I have more respect for the people who succeed in something they are passionate about rather than what brings home the gold. My parents give me a hard time constantly because I am not a fan of the whole university aspect, and would rather go to a community college, obtain my Associates Degree, and work full time. Only for one reason, though, and that is money. God forbid my house won't be a three story mansion with an underground pool, complete with a ratty dog by the name of "Precious". I wouldn't even be able to enjoy my house with a high-strung job of any kind. But hey, some people get off on that kind of thing, and more power to them.

So why do I still have this nagging feeling in me that won't let myself truly believe all that I just wrote? Because life is all about competition, and I feel it unnecessary to compete for the good things in my life, which eventually screws me over. I am not going to fight the girls who swoon over my amazingly smart boyfriend. If they have the guts to flirt with a man who has a woman already, they may as well wear a flashing vacancy sign on their vagina. I am not going to fight anymore to try and convince my mother to stop smoking. If she feels it is going to be a life-long habit, then I may be walking down the aisle with just a father, and not a mother. I am not going to fight about whether or not it is ethical for me to get piercings or tattoos, why does it matter if I know I won't get anything obscene? I am done fighting.

This is who I am, take it or leave it. I am not changing for ANYBODY.